the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
