I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Green mimosas i think yes
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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