How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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