I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
