I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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