You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
