You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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