Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i will never coherently bang her
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
