So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
