Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
