I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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