Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I love you.
Bad choice
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