someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
