I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
