woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
