I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
