Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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