She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
