In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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