Do you still have your period?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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