The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
