Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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