To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
