i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
