i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
