i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
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Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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