dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
