The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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