do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You were trust falling into bushes
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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