You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
