My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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