I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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