My hair reeks of homosexuality.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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