i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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