If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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