I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
My ATM looks so different sober.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
