Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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