I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You're a waste of cheezeits
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
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