If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
