Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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