Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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