Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
