it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
