I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
