The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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