I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
