hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
