i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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