apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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