Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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