508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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