im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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