Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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