I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
