Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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