WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
